If You Want to Be Funny, Stop Saying these Words & Phrases Right Fucking Now, Please

If You Want to Be Funny, Stop Saying these Words & Phrases Right Fucking Now, Please

I’m fucked up on baaad vocabulary drugs at the moment, and seem to be suffering from a nasty bout of literary revenge.

And if you currently speak any portion of the English language, I’m coming for you.

My imaginary therapist says that when I’m feeling sour, morose, or just plain ol’ slaughterous, that I should write down my feelings and share them with complete strangers on the internet. And so here it is:

So why do I hate the words and phrases (and their variants) listed below? Allow me to be lucid for a moment: Not only are these terms and expressions way overused, sprinkled liberally into countless everyday conversations and media, but they’ve lost all of their original luster, sparkle, and humor. How many good stand up comedy bits, speeches, and dirty water cooler jokes have been ruined by the use of “literally can’t even”? A billion and a half, by my calculations. Of course, let’s not forget that the fact that they’ve become so prevalent in our modern lexicon is only proof of how intellectually lazy and creatively bankrupt we are.

Am I a krabby fuddy duddy for hating the things that members of my generation (millennials) and others say? After much soul-searching and inward-lookingness, I submit to you that no, it’s everyone else that has a problem.

If you’d like to keep my fictional wrath at bay, then it’s in your best interests to read this list (that I will update periodically because millennials are an infinite well of material), learn from it, and make it your personal Bible and worship me as your new Wordsmith God.

But more importantly, if you’re a writer, comedian, or anyone else who uses words in a creative fashion, then this list should remind you of what NOT to use in your work.

Anyway, enjoy! (Or feel my fictional wrath!)

“Literally”

“OMG, you guys, I literally just said those words that came out of my mouth-hole!” – generic millennial

Why is “literally” one of the shit-stupidest words to say nowadays? Probably because everybody who uses it thinks they’re doing so to replace such antiquated phrases as “very much so” or “hella”. It also doesn’t make any goddamn sense to deploy this word, since everybody’s obsessed with shortening everything they say these days. By using “literally” in a sentence, you’re “literally” adding four more useless syllables to a pointless statement that doesn’t even need to be said in the first place, so go learn to knit or something.

“Toxic”

“The relaxed, casual, and tolerant office atmosphere was toxic to women, minorities, the disabled, the LGBTQQIAXYZ#$%+ community, Eskimos, unvaccinated children, etc.” – The Puffington Host

Man, someone call the Environmental Protection Agency, because EVERYTHING is toxic these days. White people. Masculinity. Politics. Relationships. Toxic is just an overused hyperbolic term to describe something that people who are too feeble to handle mild annoyances themselves employ. I’m not going to believe anyone who says that something is toxic unless they’re carrying a geiger counter.

“Problematic”

“Half the people who live on my block are white, which is deeply problematic to my super tolerant views and anti-racist stance.” – angry POC who thinks light skin pigment is made up of Hitler molecules

Why is everything “problematic” these days? Like “toxic”, “problematic” gets used describe anything that causes even the slightest modicum of emotional discomfort to the entitled, the sheltered, and the punchable. Do you want know what’s actually “problematic”? How about coming down with explosive rectal discharge syndrome at a Billy Idol “White Wedding”-themed birthday party? Oh wait, if it’s a “white” wedding, it’s already “problematic”. Nevermind.

“Privilege”

“It’s extremely important for my straight white male professors to check their straight privilege, white privilege, male privilege, and professor privilege.” – POC student who attends an exclusive Ivy League School

Privilege is one of those ill-defined terms that young pricks born and raised in a first world country hurl at people who are doing slightly better than them. Why not be grateful you don’t live as a peasant in a country where you’re regularly used as a toilet by communist drug lords?

“Broke the Internet”

“Ciley Myrus got her belly button pierced for the nineteenth time in a week and it literally just broke the internet” – Fuzzbeed.com

How can Mr. Internet still be standing after the all constant breaking he’s endured? (Yes, I just gendered the internet. So suck my farts.) If a celebrity shaves their butt hair, then the website that reports it just picks up the internet Bane-style and then KRAKT, breaks it on their leg as if it were Batman’s sexy spinal column. Of course, that doesn’t ACTUALLY happen, or else this expression would actually make sense.

“Has/Have Feelings”

“Saylor Twift just put on lip gloss and Twidder has feelings about it” – Teen Rogue

Did you know that people are capable of having feelings?! Because I sure as shit fucking didn’t! This is similar to the “break the internet” phrase – it’s just another way of saying “something happened and people reacted!” Such a shame that people actually click on this digital crap, but there it is.

“Not Having It”

“Ehm-Inem just made fun of Bardi C’s trillion dollar diamond-encrusted stripper pole and her brainwashed zombie loser fans are not having it” – TeeEmZee.com

Not having what, exactly? Intelligence? Common sense? A meaningful life that consists of more than criticizing gazillionaires too rich to give two buttfucks about your feelings? I’ll take all of the above for a trillion dollar diamond-encrusted stripper pole, Alex.

“AF”

“I weigh two and a half tons, my arteries are basically granite, and even elephants think I look overweight, but I just read a Puffington Host  article about why being ‘of size’ is totally legit healthy, and now I feel confident and condescending AF.” – bulging millennial who thinks slowly dying is hip

I’m actually ok with saying something is “[blank] as fuck”, but shortening it to “AF” just makes you sound lazy, dense, and moronic AF. Seriously, major publications put out articles with “AF” in their titles as if they were written by children who learned how to swear for the first time but are afraid to get caught by their helicopter parents.

“Woke”

“I stopped reading Elitist Daily after I read an article about why black lives matter that was written by a white dude. That website literally needs to get more woke, STAT.” – self-hating white millennial

Black people keep saying that white people need to stop saying “woke”, but I asked Whitey about it and he says he doesn’t know anything about the word, and that I need stop calling him up in the middle of the night asking for money. Whoever came up with the mindless idea of using woke as an adjective surely took out a restraining order against grammar, syntax, and semantics.

“Epic”

“L.O.L. Rowling Just Wrote a Sequel to the Perry Hotter Series – and it’s Epic” – Sleight.vom

Jeez, your life would have to be pretty dull for everything to be “epic”. Unless someone wrote a long-form poem about your life’s struggles or you managed to uppercut an alien monster robot in the chin, you shouldn’t be allowed to just casually drop “epic” into a conversation as if you’re saying you gotta take a dump. (Epic dumps do exist, however.)

“Diversity”

“Why Diversity of Skin Color is More Important than Diversity of Ideas, Thoughts, Opinions, Individual Personal History, etc.” – The Yew Norker

Diversity just means “variety”, “assortment”, or “range”, but now it means “making sure there aren’t too many people exceeding an arbitrary quota” or some such. I know you might think that having a variety of skin pigments, genitals, and other superficial characteristics in your office is going to make your profits skyrocket, but you’re wrong. But at least you’re wrong in a diversity of ways.

“Inclusivity”

“In Bid to Become More Inclusive, Silicon Valley Vows to Hire Fewer Workers Who are White, Male, and Human” – TechCrank.com

For some paradoxical fucking reason, inclusivity always means discriminating against a large population of people to let in others who represent only a microscopic portion of the population. I’m all for casting a wide net in the hiring process, but what kind of a fisherman catches a massive, family-feeding salmon, looks at it and says, “nah, I’m only looking for gender non-conforming salmon,” then tosses it back into the drink? The answer is none. None fisherman.

“Oddly Satisfying”

“The Most Oddly Satisfying Videos of 2019 – Quietly Spreading Avocado on Toast and Selling it for $38” – YourTube.com

Ok, so I admit that those videos of things being made, cut in twain, or smeared across smooth surfaces can be a little addicting. But can’t we come up with a bit of variety for the titles? Maybe something, like, I don’t know, how about “Strangely arousing?” “Surprisingly stimulating?” Or my personal favorite, “Unspeakably titillating?”

“Throw Shade”

“Did a random asshole boxer just throw shade at another random asshole boxer?” – Sports Illuminated

Throw shade almost sounds like something comfortable. “Hey, Billy! It’s fuggin’ hot over here! As your stepfather, I demand that you throw some shade at me! Now!” But alas, this expression does not mean a temporary respite from the sun. Whoever cooked up this phrase should  be slow roasted in a tanning salon until they’ve decided to rescind this phrase up their charred bunghole.

“Clapped Back”

“Malexandria Focasio Nortez just clapped back at far-right trolls who leaked a video of her eating $38 avocado toast” – Cuzmopolitan.com

I like that our culture has just developed a whole new language to describe celebrity feuds we’re all going to forget about the day after. Just kidding. I think our culture deserves to be brained with a car battery for concocting this aborted fetus of a dialect. If this language was a person, I would absolutely commit the grossest of manslaughters upon them.

“Thing”

“I just told my coworker that the phrase ‘boys will be boys’ is transphobic, called him a fascist, and reported him to HR so he can be forced into a kindness indoctrination camp. So fighting office Nazism is a thing.” – millennial who thinks saying “fighting office Nazism is a thing” is a thing.

Dear God please kill me quickly and then kill my ghost quickly. Everything is a “thing” nowadays. Who knew? “I just got a Twidder account, so that’s a thing.” “My son from another marriage just got a puppy, so that’s a thing.” “My family got manslaughtered by a cranky humorist, so that’s a thing.” Like “literally”, this adds nothing of value to any conversation, and is just plain fucking redundant. Have you learned to knit yet?

“Mansplaining”

“My white male professor was mansplaining to me about the importance of the Gettysburg Address, so I decided to accuse him of nonconsensual educating and micro triggering. Also mansplaining.” – Gender Neutral Czar of the College Feministical Communists

Right, because we all know how much men like to talk. To be fair, men have been criticizing women for talking too much for years. But at least our term – nagging – wasn’t so gender exclusive. A little inclusivity, if you please, radical sex guerrillas?

“Spirit Animal”

“Tonald Drump says his spirit animal is Tonald Drump” – FuxNews.com

First, it was gratuitous forearm and lower back tattoos, and now it’s spirit animals. Are the lives of my fellow millennials so vapid that they have to define themselves with things they’re just going to regret a year later when they found something else to put their life essence into? What’s next? “Spirit presidents”? “Phantom monkeys”? “Take this quiz and we’ll tell you what demon condiment you are based on your least-favorite Disney movies”?

“You Had One Job!”

“‘You had one job!’ Twidder slams guest host for talking about her gleaming orifices instead of covering hot lava tornado that’s fistfucking the Eastern Seaboard” – The Noo Yerk Timez

Fine. I’ll concede that these memes can be funny. But everytime someone screws up at something, everybody suddenly gets possessed by the Obvious Demon and points out the fatherfucking apparent. Where’s that literary exorcist nobody even knows about? Oh right, he’s me.

“Body Positivity/Acceptance”

“For my New Year’s resolution, I thought about going on a diet and exercising regularly, but I think I’ll just sit around, chug half and half, and demean complete strangers and health doctors on the internet about their lack of body positivity.“ – that same bulging millennial mentioned earlier

Body positivity and acceptance is just code for “kiss my ass, Science, because being lazy and eating like a garbage disposal is trendy”. Look, if you’re cool with looking like a fleshy Panzer tank, fine. But don’t get peeved if people refuse to procreate with you because you need a truck stop weigh station to calculate gravity’s pull on your person. Seriously, every single fucking time an advertisement comes out that features a person that has a body type that ranges from “fit” to “absolutely fucking average”, the easily offended with feel obligated to write huff pieces about why body positivity is here to stay. EVERY GODDAMN TIME.

“Patriarchy”

“Despite the fact that women have the same rights as men and are free to run for office and be CEOs of major companies, as a professional feminist and gender terrorist, I think it’s my duty to undermine the patriarchy in this country, even though it doesn’t even really exist, I guess.” – a professional feminist and gender terrorist

I love being the one to break this to you: the patriarchy doesn’t actually really exist in the U.S. So how come there aren’t more women in charge? I don’t know, but I’m sure majoring in feminist dance therapy and genderqueer history and theory won’t exactly bolster your leadership skills. Seriously, the patriarchy has become the illuminati for lazy women and self-flagellating men. Why didn’t a woman get that top executive position? Is it because she has a degree in vagina studies? Nah. The patriarchy. Why did that famous actor got paid more than his less-famous female co-star? Could it be that he just happens to be more of an audience draw than whats-her-name? Nope. Must’ve been that pesky patriarchy. Seriously, how you feel if I said “Did you know that 92.5% of occupational fatalities in the U.S. are men? Must be that sneaky matriarchy!”

Implicit/Unconscious Bias

“I’ve never said or done anything racist in my entire life, but I took an implicit bias test and found out that I hate Iowans. Who knew that a test with random association questions could reveal so much about me and my midwestern genocidal tendencies?” – someone who reads Vocks.com

The science behind implicit and unconscious bias is highly debated, but that still doesn’t stop “tolerant” companies from using these words to justify forcing their non-bigot employees into taking horseshit assessments that somehow measure their latent capacity to enslave and/or exterminate members of another group. And, like “patriarchy”, this term always gets used to describe why a dude got a job instead of a woman or some shit. I love how “woke” people use this term to show how “woke” they are, like “I WAS going to cast a white actress for the role because she gave the best performance audition and has the most acting experience, but after checking my biases, I decided to cast a slightly darker, less talented, and less experienced actress instead. Progress!”

“Representation”

“Why aren’t there more movies about black lesbian transgender immigrants who are missing half their faces from toxic masculinity, white fragility, and flesh eating parasites? We need more representation, Hollywood!” – typical movie critic

Does every single group that ever existed, including all of the made up ones, have to be represented in every single sport, industry, and artform? For cock’s sake, if you want to see your group “represented” somewhere, go out there and do it yourself, or at least pay someone else to do it. Whenever a movie comes out with one of those evil Caucasians in it, gaggles of intersectional movie critics squawk about its “representation” or “diversity” instead of the things that actually comprise a movie, like writing, directing, acting, etc.

“Can’t Even”

“That vegan coffee shop just ran out of my favorite $38 avocado toast, and now I literally can’t even! God, how I miss that overpriced green-smeared bread!” – another generic millennial

“You literally can’t even WHAT?! Tell me!” This is an odd truncation of an expression of exasperation, and one that completely misses the point of shortening everyday phrases and words. Why do people feel the need to inject an unnecessary cliffhanger into their pointless rant about a first world problem? I’ll give you a hint – they start with the letter “millennial”.

“Relationship Goals”

“These two disgustingly rich celebrities getting matching pointless forearm tattoos is literally relationship goals” – Insanity Fair

Every time a gazillionaire power couple does anything together – fucking ANYTHING – vapid gossip rags become relationship experts and assign a romantic value to everyone of the couple’s lame-ass gestures. Did that supermodel item just walk a dog together? “See, couples? That’s how you couple! You’re doing it all wrong!” Did those rap star newlyweds just floss their teeth together? “Pay attention, you romantic amateurs! Now THAT’S how you couple!” Watch out, Modern Romance! We’ve got metrics!

“Gives Me Life”

“Watching Robbie Downer Junie pretend he can sing literally gives me life!” – yet another generic millennial

No, I’m pretty sure things like water, nutrients, and not getting killed on a regular basis are what give you life. But keep searching for that magic elixir that keeps you looking – and acting – like a giddy teenage Bustin Jieber fan over mundane crapshit.

“Ally”

“To all of my cis, straight, white, male, and other normative friends, if you really want to be a trans-POC-female-queer-Martian ally, it’s really easy; all you have to do is only vote for communist politicians; make friends exclusively with people who don’t know what their gender is; stop supporting artists who may have said or done something problematic years ago but not recently; only watch documentaries and read books about the lives of people who have a slightly different skin color than you; and only call yourself an ally when the Diversity Gods command it so. You see? Allyship really isn’t that hard.”

Whenever someone doesn’t make make promoting social issues their number one goal in life, they automatically get accused of not being an “ally”, as if they were being indicted by some shadowy judgmental organization (the matriarchy, maybe?). I’m all for helping out and supporting those who suffer in ways I can never understand, but when being an ally to disenfranchised people becomes like taking medication that causes more and far worse side effects than the one thing it treats, then include me out. If refusing to read the nonexistent fine print prior to receiving my allyship card makes me a persona non grata, then I think I’ll go back to donating, volunteering, and voting for compassionate politicians, as well as treating every person like a person like I’ve been doing for most of my existence, thank you very much.

Every one of these words and phrases that I’ve listed should be stricken from our collective memory and incinerated in a rusty furnace that was built before asbestos regulations were enacted, but not before suffering 6 to 8 weeks’ worth of explosive bowel syndrome. Also, given the legal opportunity, I would gladly persecute anyone who even contemplates use of these words and phrases to the full extent of the law of the jungle. Maybe some form of kicking of the colon would be in order for all offenders.

Or you can put that thinking bone to use, buy a free online thesaurus, and come up with a better word to use.

Or do the whole fucking planet a favor by cutting down on spoken emissions and just keep your goddamn trap shut.

Anyway, thanks for putting up with my charming hatred of you all.

Jesus saves!

Leave a Reply