If you’re reading this blog post, you’re probably unfunny and lazy.
Being funny can be hard, but I’ve made it easier by outlining a few tips for you to inject some whimsy into your boring social life by making people believe that you’re a sophisticated libertine, instead of the vapid philistine you probably are.
1.Keep Your Jokes and Stories Short
Everyone loves one-liners, probably because they don’t have to wait long to get to the funny part.
One-liners are especially useful in this day and age. People simply don’t have as much time these days. Why else do you think they shortened “crazy” down to “cray”? Think about it.
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
I’m like William Shakespeare, except I can actually write.
When telling your joke or anecdote, use as few words as possible, and try to employ active voice instead of passive voice. Your wisecrack should be like a shot of grain alcohol – short, hard-hitting, and probably distilled in a bathtub.
2. Save the Funniest Part for the End
If nobody’s laughing by the end of your joke or anecdote, it’s probably because you prematurely articulated the funniest part and squirted your humor juice before properly working up your partner, I mean, audience. And no pill will cure that.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
I just bought some condoms. I thought maybe I’d use them as water balloons to toss at passing cars.
TIP: Work backwards by establishing the climax first, then work on leading up to it through massaging and sensual whispers. Basically, it’s the opposite of sex.
3. Update and Contort Cliches
Nobody likes cliches, yet we keep saying them anyway. Break this vicious cycle by taking a phrase, statement, or expression that everyone knows and uses, and twist it into something fresh, new, and giggle-inducing. Reforming cliches is a classic humor technique, so you should study it like it was the Satanic Bible.
If you have any qualms about appropriating something that already exists for your own comedic purposes, forget about it. What did Pablo Picasso say again? “Good artists copy, great artists get paid for copying.” I think.
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
Never bring a knife to a dildo fight.
TIP: Take a keyword from a cliche and reinterpret it literally to twist its original meaning, thus resulting in a brand new phrase that people will just run into the ground long after you’re powdery bones.
4. Use Understatement to Be Funny
Another great humor tactic is to react to something momentous or important with a subdued response. It’s irreverent AND people will think you’re emotionally deceased.
“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
“The cancer’s only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All things I can live without.” – Deadpool
TIP: There are a couple of approaches for doing this – you can take an important or serious event, downplay its significance, and open the joke with the understatement OR you can take an important or serious event, downplay its significance, and close the joke with the understatement. Both approaches work, just make sure I get my share of royalties. And I will sue.
5. Use Overstatement to Be Funny
The opposite of the previous technique, react to something insignificant or trivial with an exaggerated response. It’s unnecessary AND people will think you’re emotionally stunted.
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” – Steven Wright
Read this blog post now! It’s a matter of cosmic import – my clicks!
TIP: Like understatement, you can open up with the event or situation and follow up with the punchline, or vice-versa. Again, just make sure I get my cut. Never piss off an already pissed-off blogger.
Are you funny yet? Cool. Now get out there and spread my jocular gospel!